so he calls it Diagnosis:Murder n i have no idea WUT that means, n its not done yet, but here ya go -----
It was a cold night in Cleveland. The brahs had all left west 6th. The sushi was cold (well technically it should be). Patron was splattered all over the floor. Aww yeeahh, it had been a good night. But what's this? A tanned girl with a bump it in her hair was standing outside despondent. I asked her name. She told me it was "Babe". This lady looked like trouble. I should have left, but i'm a sucker for bump its. I asked, "What's wrong? You look lost." She looked me in my good eye and whimpered, " Where's my boyfriend? He disappeared. All i found was his Presque Isle headband."
I didn't want this dame to start with the waterworks, so i took her in my arms. "We'll find him, doll." Where to start? We walked down to Cadillac Ranch. This was going to be a tough case. We went inside and ordered two shots of Patron. Then out of nowhere, this tiny lupine looking guy comes up to me. " Snarl...you looking for Gio i assume...snort." "What's it to ya?", i snapped. "Follow me," he grunted. We went to the v.i.p. room, my hand on my Colt 45. The beer, not the gun. Then, everything went black.
To be continued...
Chapter 2: Detecting Stuff is the Boooommmbbb!!
I came to in a pile of scratched off lotto tickets behind John Q's. There was a two dollar winner stuck in my hand. "Gilbert's Giveaway". Looks like old Danny boy had finally taken over all the gambling in the state. I don't think he really figures into this though. On the back were the words, " Frank n Tones". I tried to get up. "Shiiizzz!!!", i exclaimed as my knee gave out beneath me. Someone had taken a pool cue to my stems during some beating i obviously didn't remember. And where was Babe?! Her car was still on the street. A bright orange Mitsubishi with three spoilers and shiny a$$ spinners. Awww yeeaahh. Somehow her keys had ended up in my pocket. It ws time to drive to Frank N. Tone's(whatever that meant). Maybe they were loansharks, or worse, horticulturalists! I called up one of my underground foliage connections, AJ.
This guy was a slimy character. A rap sheet a mile long including raps for molesting conifers, improper display of a holiday wreath and rosebush fraud. He told me the only Frank N Tone's he knew was a bar out in the sticks of Lake County. So i fired up Babe's ride and opened up the sunroof. "Your body is a woooonderlaaannd", assaulted my ears from the speakers. Changing that shizz...As the road opened up ahead of me, i knew i was in for one long ride on this case. Better stop and trade in the lotto ticket for some smokes. I'm gonna need 'em.
Chapter 3: Trail of Hair Gel to Hell
So this is Willoughby, huh? A real one horse town with a gazebo in the town square, a bed and breakfast, and the hallmark of every quaint Ohio village- a gastropub. I found Frank N Tone's tucked into a seedy, urine soaked back alley that looked like skid row. Correction, that was actually Frank N Tone's lobby. I pulled up to the bar and ordered a Corona. "You want a lime, an orange or tomatillo in that?", asked the curvy barmaid. "i take my cerveza el straighto, doll", i replied. " But i do need something else..." She began to unbutton her blouse. "That's not what i'm looking for", i said with a cig stained grin. " Oh, sorry, thought you were ordering the lunch special", she cooed. I handed her a picture of Babe that i had found in her car. The dame went white(which took a while because she was a dark carrot cake orange hue to begin with). She motioned with her eyes toward a shifty looking city worker grabbing his fourth lunchtime beer at the end of the bar. She nodded and walked away. I kept an eye on him until he got up to leave.
I kept my distance and followed him down the street. He climbed into a van marked First Energy. I started to tail him. " Faaathers, be goood to yooour daauughters..." What's with all the John Mayer on the radio today? Turned it to WNCX for some classic dinosaur butt fossils. Awwww yeeahh, Zeppelin! Listened to Stairway all the way out to Perry. Now things got really interesting. The guy i was tailing pulled in to the Perry Nuclear Power Plant. This was going to be a challenge. I had no fake I.D.,no fake uniform, no fake company car. I pulled up to the security guard. "State your business," he muttered. "Uhhhh, i'm here to deliver donuts from...uhhhh....Donut Hut.". Clearly, he could see through this charade. "Go on," he waved, and i drove right through. Homeland security had obviously trained this staff. Top notch.
As my mark got out of his van, he fumbled with something shiny. It was Babe's Italia necklace! He went to the back and opened up the doors. Out came two middle aged men carrying a rolled up carpet with Babe's shoes poking out of one end! They'd killed her! No wait, she was still struggling. The two goons, one white fella with an obvious drinking problem; the other an African American (this is the most pc this story gets). It couldn't be! Lanigan and Malone??!! At a power plant with a kidnapped party girl?? I took a long puff on a cigarette and tried to put the pieces together. Nothing yet. I followed the trio into a garage area. Everything went black again.
Chapter 4: Soilent Green is Soosh!
"Our bad", came a collective shout from the bowels of the dilapidated atom smasher. Of course, i was at First Energy. The lights came on and revealed the afore mentioned radio flunkies wrestling with the extremely perturbed Babe. I lunged at Lanigan. I knocked him in to a vat of radioactive waste. Malone came at me with a knife( you know those people, radio jocks). I ducked out of the way and he plunged into the same glowing molten abyss as his talentless comrade. Babe rushed to my arms. She laid a wet kiss right on my scarred left cheek. Strange. Could it be i was falling for this girl?
We ran to the Mitsubeesh. The secutity guards swarmed us and opened fire. Of course, they all missed. They did manage to shoot several holes into the cooling towers. A strange glowing slime gushed out. Was this toxic waste? Close, it was Qdoba salsa leaking from the lunchroom. We gunned it. Hopped on route 2.
"What the hell was that and what do we do now?", i gasped. Babe replied ," They were going to melt me in toxic waste. Qdoba! You showed up just in time!" I asked if she heard them mention anything while in the van. She said," all they kept saying was Sushi Rock". Then she passed out from exhaustion. Sushi Rock. I knew the place. We set course for Beachwood. Sure could use some John Mayer to soothe my nerves. I lit a smoke and punched the gas. I could sense we were closer to Gio than ever. My butt fell asleep. Oh right, i was in a Mitsubeesh. Not fit for a full sized adult male, only dbags. The exit for Sushi Rock came up. My palms began to sweat. What was in store for me here?
Chapter 5: Nana Said there'd be Days Like This
We got off the freeway at Cedar road. About two hours later, we made it the half mile down to Richmond road. Apparently, this traffic layout had been designed by some amoeba or other lower life form. The worst part was that the radio could only pick up WTAM. As if my day wasn't rough enough, i had to endure Trivisonno. There had better be some reward at the end of this ordeal. Babe and i pounded a couple Rockstars and sauntered into Sushi Rock. There was Gio!! No wait, every guy there looked like him. This was going to be like finding a needle in a soosh stack. We ordered the beef, well done with a side of marinara. The server gave us a bewildered look. "There's only one guy in town who orders that", she quipped. "I know," Babe said. "You seen him?" She pointed to the kitchen. "Stay here", i told Babe. I still had some Qdoba wrapped up in foil if i needed to disable any assailants. I went into the kitchen. The scent of wasabi and danger wafted through the air.
"MAN HANDS!!", shouted one of the soosh rollers. Everyone ducked and then bullets started flying. A scarlet haired dame with two smoking handguns appeared through the smoke. " I see you got past my henchmen, Lanigan and Malone.."' she cackled in some ungodly voice straight from the pits of hades. " Yeah, what was with that? Were Trapper Jack or Rover too busy?", i joked. "I deal in mediocrity, my dear boy. They thought they were pulling off a lame radio prank to put them in the same league as Howard Stern. I told them Babe was an actress. They had no idea the danger that laid in wait for them. I can see my assumptions that you were a powerful foe were accurate."
"i'm sorry what did you just say? i was staring at your ginormous hands and not listening", i said. " Very funny, gumshoe. These hands will be the last thing you ever feel when i snap your neck." She did a crazy flip into the air and landed on my shoulders. Her muscular thighs were wrapped around my head. I could feel my life slipping away as she choked the air out of me. " By the way. You're too late. Gio is dead.", she whispered. All i could smell was yellowfin as i gasped for air. Don't think it was the sushi, though. I heard Babe scream. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Gunshots. Did she get Babe too?
